Today-liberated me

When I woke up this morning ,I felt better...much lighter..and like any other usual morning my mind was up and It had already made a to-do list for the day ahead, and was in a planning mode, on the execution, while I was still wrapped up in my sheets...Even though my Mind was already on the working mode, body was not ready to get up and get going, it was asking for a snooze button, for 5 more minutes...so i listened to my body.

My thoughts drifted to my last night's post, "feeling lost", I know it was all complains...but then again, i have to be honest to my space here...it has to be real me, and I must confess I too have my weak moments...i too go down hill some days...become too self centered at times... but then It's not in my fiber to be like that for long...I vent out, I complain and I move on...

 I am learning, learning to have a bigger heart...learning to accept things gracefully, learning to let go easily..to not focus on "I" all the time, rather on "us", it's like playing Hopscotch square, You hop from square to square tossing the stone without touching the boundaries and if you do so, you are out, you loose it...

Similarly At times you lose your patience while dealing with day to day issues and when you do so, you break down, but then you should not stop just there, you should try again, yearn for a better performance next time without losing your patience!!

That's me...honest me...and today -liberated me :)

Lost- Just like that!!

Today, I feel lost,  like an ordinary singleton draped in fabric of restlessness, dyed in the shade of deep pretence, woven with so many insecurities, stitched with anxiety…that’s my garb today …and the predicament is such that I cannot take this garb off me, because that will make me vulnerable , make me a subject of talk, bone of contention.

I feel like as if I am wearing a crown of drudgery, crown of sadness, of unseen fears which is making my head heavy and my judgement clouded…

 There is this palpable tenderness in my heart… It’s choked up with too many why’s …

And today I lack the mettle to counter these why’s??  I am tired, I am so lost !!

If I were Kalidas....

If I were kalidas, I would have written Ratridutaa instead of Meghaduta :), requesting the “Night messenger” to pass my messages to the sleep…and it would be something like this:

Oh, beloved night, you came to me riding the wings of an owl…. please pass my messages to my sleep… that roams away in the wilderness and waylays and has sought solace in being away from me!!

I miss you dearly… I am waiting for you with so many dreams in my eyes, dreams of love, and dreams of hope!!

That I am wide awake from such a long time waiting for you to shower the drops of hypnosis, so that it washes away my tiredness…

Fill my eyes with your ever lasting memory,  I am waiting for that rare moment…one that I am aching for , pining for, for I cannot bear the separation anymore.

I have long forgotten your melody, and I try to make a new one every night, in hope that it may sound pleasing to you and may be you will be pulled towards me, I will play the "Chitra veena", and even sing the "Revati Raga", may be the melody will draw you closer to me...

 I will not hold you for long, I will put off the lamps once you come and I promise to let you go as soon as the sun comes out riding its chariot driven by 7 horses… !!

Oh, beloved night, for once,  please carry these messages secretly, with utmost care and pass them to my long lost sleep…

Sleepless

Me and my sleep…each night we chase each other, We play Hide-and-go-seek where in I am always the "it", closing my eyes and counting while the sleep hides away.

sometimes like the lovers passionately in love…while I try to serenade my sleep, singing the sweet nothings, though it teases me…pretends to comes close enough to kiss me on the eyes and then just a peck and its gone…

Sometimes like the enemies…while I lay a trap so that it falls and fills the deep cavity of my eyes… it flies away leaving me wide awake and then I curse it… I pray for summer solstice to stay forever, when the days are longest and the nights are shortest.

That's me- sleepless!!

Image source -Canva, free image edited in Canva.

Our day today - From :( to :)

We had been thinking of buying a new couch for our living room from quiet sometime and finally after going through a lot of mental work...and checking almost every third online furniture website, we ordered a couch through Snapdeal 2 weeks ago and were expecting the delivery today and guess what instead of couch, those guys dropped us a spoiler mail stating that the product can't be delivered , it's out of stock...blah blah!... that was it...we were disappointed, sad and angry...I mean who does that?? the annoying part was that it is still showing in their website as "in stock" so that tells us that their service is just bad...bad...bad...!!!

so what to do next...then we finally purchased another couch from Pepperfry...it's beautiful, much more gracious than the snapdeal one :) it will be delivered by next weekend...  

 This is sad part of story :(

now coming to the other part-

I was totally irked with the clothes designs for the young boys in the market...I mean we have so many options, designs for girls out there in terms of clothing but when it comes to boys...just those Ho-hum shirts, tees, pants and all...nothing new...come-on...don't boys have a right to dress up differently..can't we have something unique , more in the clothing for them :(

That was it!!  I thought of buying the cut fabric and getting something stitched for vihaan...something other than the "flat as a pancake" type of design... after a  lot of internet search I chose an online store Itokri...they have a wide range of cut fabric collection...

I ordered a hand screen printed cotton fabric...and insisted that they deliver it to me as soon as possible so that i can get two shirts stitched....one for Akash and one for Vihaan...{By the way I intend to do a photo shoot...Two guys will look dashing in the similar fabric!!} and to my surprise it was delivered today, in the evening, much sooner than expected date...inside the package was a beautiful note for me from the Itokri team...and a surprise gift as well...it was not the gift or the note that cheered me up but the gesture that seemed to be genuine and really sweet!! that's the real customer service, the wow factor!! 

This is happy part of the story :)

I am thankful to God...for ending my day with thought that good still exists...that there is still goodness around...that god cares for us and is watching over us all the time.

I will be doing a photo shoot of my handsome duo once the shirts get stitched!! eagerly waiting...

Working space & a story

It has been a while since I have had my own little space for working, I really missed the comfort and feel of it, so yesterday sneaking a little time out of my busy schedule, I created one for me...

and I had a chance to take out an old Philips Radio gifted by my dad...I know its bit odd to keep a radio in this tech age where you get to listen to all your fav numbers by just one click but I am bit different, bit weird in my own way...I still love radio, My liking for it dates back to the yesteryear's when I was just a little girl...each night I would get scared by the thought of sleeping alone in my room...although in front of my parents I would pretend to be okay with it... but my dad knew...he knew that I was lying...that i was terrified....so one night my dad came up to me with a radio and told me that I should listen to it till I feel sleepy and that might help a little and it actually did!! I felt lot better !! that's the story behind this love for my radio...it reminds me of my dad..his caring, his being around...

Around here

Around here...

 I feel little woozy, ever since we returned from Jammu, Vihaan has become even more clingy...I guess he thinks that people disappear just like that...he had a lot of folks around in Jammu and the overnight change has left him bit confused...may be that's why he wants me to be around him all the time...may be he thinks that I too will disappear!! and this leaves me even more exhausted by the end of the day!!

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I seem to be losing my calm easily...I feel like a kite soaring higher in the unknown territories...and i fear!! I fear what if the thread is weak...what if wind blows me away..what if I get caught up in the branches of a tall tree...what if I fell to the ground...will I be able to fly again!! 

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Nights!! they are as usual...sleepless!! I would love if "Ratri" "The sleep goddess" would come and pay me a visit at night... I would hold her...hug her tight...if I knew how to...I would invoke, summon her through the hymns...I would offer her ghee laddu's, and lit a lamp in her honor every night!!

Words

Spoken Words!! They are not always just the units of sound or the elements uttered, at times they are just more than that!!

At times they seem to be like birds in the flight, suspended in the air...in between...they are hard for the listener to let them simply in...to process them and understand them... 

At times they are like an avalanche, sudden...least expected..accelerating rapidly and growing in mass, capable of destruction!!

At times spoken words are like waves, chasing each other. At times like sacred offerings to some Deity, offered out of sheer fear for escaping the fury of God's or simply offered because it is a custom and is to be followed...

Like eyes brimmed with tears ...at times like a bird at the window sill, singing a sad love song!!

And sometimes words are like the captivating shimmering fan of iridescent blue and green plumage of a peafowl...with rattling and shaking..fanned not just like that, without a reason...!!

Words are not just sounds at times....they are more than that!!

Sleepless

It's late at night...I am lying in the dark, my face in the shadow casted by the faint light slicing through the bedroom window... but my eyes are wide awake, watchful, quiet, and tired.

I force shut my eyes...I try to tame my mind, I try to reign it, slow it bit down...how much I wish it to listen to me and let me rest for a little while...but it doesn't. 

Tonight my mind is like a traveller riding an unruly horse, it's  like a restless river, tugging and pulling at me like an impatient child...it's like dazzling bright sunlight... blinding me...

Tonight my mind is like an afternoon breeze that beats against the temple bells, making them go to-and-fro, echoes all around, in the valley...it's like a leopard gazing with bright eyes, waiting to strike...

I don't give up...I try to drift my thoughts, try to relax my mind a bit ...

I close my eyes and I find myself surrounded by tall grass, green and refreshing to the eyes..i take off my shoes...and I move on, following the peacock screeching...I sense the mixed aroma of the mountain herbs... I feel as if I am enticed by some forest spirits...may be that's why I keep coming back to the woods, that's why I refuse to lie down,  and night after night I find myself returning to the woods, charmed by the tall tress who seem to whisper my name, lured by the shadows casted by them...I get enchanted by the melody of a gentle river who seems to be a flowing like a roll of ribbon...

My lids get heavy...I doze off!!!

Around here

Vacation is over and we are back to work!! If you ask me, I do miss the time I spent in Jammu, yes I did, It was fun, I could pick up my camera and go out to click few shots, life was slow and relaxing, Vihaan had plenty to space and crawl around , he had lots of love around, he was happy and I had help around when I needed it!!

 I am little sad because I won't get to see the blue Admiral, the tiny blue Adonis, I won't see the blooming lily, daisy, and heather families...I won't get to hear the faint cries of Alpine chough perched on the mango tree nor will I hear the melodies of sunbird,hoopes, passerines and chickadees,...I won't see the first mango of the season on the mango tree...I won't smell the aromas of freshly ground spices...I will miss out on all this!!

and now when I am back here...feels like I have to start all over again...Vihaan is edgy all the time...he seems to feel cramped up in our small apartment...I guess he misses people around, his great granddad, grandpa and grandma ,and our domestic help !! he misses the cycle rides and spending time out in the sun and all this bothers me to the core, I wish to give him that sort of carefree life but for that I ll have to make few adjustments, that means Akash will have to live here alone if we ever think of moving to his home town which is not gonna be easy :(   Akash is my best buddy and it's not easy for me to live away from him...I will miss him a lot and then again it's about Vihaan as well...we have think about his future too...

I am caught up in all these things lately...constantly thinking about all this...I wish my mind was a free flowing stream, flowing in it's own melody...calmly !!   
I wish my mind was like a gold flake...ever lighter!! 

somewhere inside I know that while I am spending my days here in my apartment in mumbai, at the dawn , the birds in small groups will fly back home after spending the day out in the wild, the Alpine chough will come again and cry remembering someone, I know that the spices will be sifted, sorted and grounded again...their aroma will make someone sneeze, i know that flowers will bloom, deck the flower beds...they will attract the bees, the butterflies...the air will be heavy will floral scents...I know that small miracles will continue to happen whether I am there to witness them or not...I know that the street lamp will guard the lonely street every night...I know everything will take its usual course and I know I will imagine this every night while I will try to sleep...i know that I will go to the astral plane while I am sleeping to feel the grass under my bare feet, to feel the fragrance fill my senses, to hear all the melodies...    

 while I am away!!