Motherhood- Holy guacamole

Motherhood-Holy Guacamole

 When people tell you that it's the right time to have a baby, they are talking about your body and your age, but it's not just that. It's not just the age that matters while you are planning to have a baby, it's a mix of many things. Physical health, psychic component, right perspective about life is what all needs to be in place. 

Everyone knows that being a mother is not that easy, it demands a lot, after all, you have a life to nurture, to take care of, to teach about life and it's doings. It demands selfless love- literally.

 You need to be healthy to take care of your child. Health is wealth and who so ever had said that surely knew the blessing of a healthy life. If you are not well, you cannot give your 100 percent and wearing the motherhood shoes demands a lot of running around, and most of the time it is a one-legged race and the shoes are pretty heavy ones,

It is like juggling things, and the stuff you are busy juggling is most precious and delicate, and you cannot miss out any of it, all of it is very very important.

 I read a quote somewhere "I don't want to sleep like a baby, I want to sleep like my husband" yes it's true. It will be you burning the nights and not expected to let the smoke out, you will have to keep it contained inside, initially, you do it but then it's not humanly possible, and some day it will just explode, fill up the air between you and your spouse and suffocate you guys unless one of you opens the window and lets the fresh air in so that you can breathe and see each other clearly again like you used to till the time the hypnotism is shaken off by a shrill baby cry and you rush again to the farthest corner of the room . It definitely is straining for the couples. 

It teaches you the intricate art of doing things with one hand because the other hand is busy holding the baby. 

Your social circles takes a toss:

 Your friend pings you; wanna grab a cup of coffee at 3.00 

You: yeah sure, oh no its baby's nap time, maybe some other time. 

Friend: Hey I was in your town, and you didn't call me up ( happened with me last week) 

You: Oh yeah, sorry, baby had a loose gut, so all I was doing was diaper change, diaper in bin, baby in cot, one more bout, then again diaper change, diaper in bin, baby in cot, one more bout, then again diaper change, diaper in cot, baby in bin....wait a second, did I say baby in bin? Aarrghhh....I am stressed out :( I hope you understand. 

Seriously when I am going out, my bag is full and loaded with baby wipes, diapers, extra clothing, baby food, water ....my stuff...I don't even know where I kept my shades, my wrist watch...phew who needs them anymore :o

 You are so tired to change into anything while going out and wearing yoga pants seems the best possible option and you have no complaints about that. Style quotient goes on a vacation :)

 Off diaper time is a warm jet of freshly brewed pee on your face, ahh! Refreshing. 

And when finally your baby is fast asleep, you are exhausted, you look like a drug addict...but then you marvel at the beauty, the innocence, the calmness on his face, your heart overflows with love, your eyes brim up with tears, you feel a lump in your throat and kiss that face and you thank God for the sweetest gift and if by any chance baby wakes up again..you are dead!! mind it...nobody should disturb a sleeping baby..

It's like that!!

A Prayer

Sometimes there is a lot going on inside,

A sea of questions surging high in a full moon night, calm otherwise but on certain nights, it surges high! Gently pulled but harshly pushed by silver glistening moonlight

A rolling thunder far far away, but loud enough to give you jitters,

A hurricane, mighty enough to cause an upheaval of otherwise well-tamed emotions.

When there is so much happening Inside, what do you do?

I PRAY!!

What is life?

Tonight, as I write this post, I hear the clinking of the spoon in the kitchen, Akash is brewing coffee for me, It was a request from me for a cup of hot coffee... 

This clicking sound takes me far deeper in my thoughts, and I think, what is life?

It is being born

Being loved my your family

Making friends

falling in love

having to undergo heart breaks

sulking about being treated unfairly

Falling in love again

dreaming of a future

setting up  goals

working hard for achieving your goal

then realizing that not all your goals were realistic

feeling depressed

getting married

those initial years when love is in the air :)

having a baby

then everything about the baby, all the time baby baby  baby

ouch! occasional skirmishes over the baby

Well, that's what is happening in here right now ;)

My coffee is brewed and absolutely ready...I am going to gulp it down, lie in the arms of my sweetheart, close my eyes, and stop the tape that is playing out in my head, that says, "what is life? :)

Good night!!

My 32nd Birthday

I turned 32 on November 8th. My friend Jo (Josna), (yep, that's what I call her now) gave me a wonderful surprise party. She arranged for a yummy cake, did all the decorations secretly at her place and then called me up on 3rd November to her apartment, I along with Vihaan went there as usual casually, and then what I saw just touched my heart, balloons, lighting, cakes, and music....I did wet my eyes, I was happy and at the same time also touched by her sweet gesture.

I had to leave for Jammu on 4th Nov, so she gave me surprise beforehand. 

some relationship's are just meant to be, no matter from where you are? or what are you are? when it click...it clicks..right? yes, that what is between two of us.

Spending time with her is the wonderful thing, at times we don't talk much about ourselves, it's just Kids and kids, but still it feel good to be together.

Thanks Jo for this gesture, I will cherish it for the lifetime, and I am saving it here in my blog forever!

The day I chose to "Just be" Myself

It seemed as if a bunch of stray cats had barged in my house and ransacked everything. There were toys all the floor, a tea cup lying on the table, spilled tea all over the tablecloth, some had already trickled down on the floor, pile of washed clothes that I had gathered from the cloth line were lying in a heap on the dining table as well, house was a total mess, 

It happened twice that I pulled myself together to clean everything up, but every time I tried doing so, Vihaan would come and scatter toys all over again and then run towards the farthest end of the room,  it seemed to me as if he was enjoying all of it, he had sensed my distress and was trying to be funny, maybe to cheer me up...I left everything there as it is and curled myself up on our pistachio green couch, just like a ball of fur, I lay there motionless....there was an invisible compulsive thread that seemed to pull my feet forward, trying to make me stand again and clear the mess, but a more strong, invincible thread pulled my back more deeper into the couch, not letting me go. 

That's when I simply, chose to just be, let things be the way they are, toys all over, spilled tea on the floor, and the heap of clothes on the table, I called Vihaan and the little one just came running towards me with full of energy....we both lay there playing our favourite game, "This little  piggy"

Sometimes it just feels great to not take the load of everything around, and sometimes "messy people are the happy  people "

Apoptosis-In Pursuit of inner peace

Yes, I know we all feel sad and depressed at times, we all go through that grind at some point or the other in our life, and that's when it feels really good to have someone nice and comforting near us, to make us see the silver lining and the Green pastures, right? And if you are the other kind, you will probably go into the shell, bottle up things inside you, or you may be the one who likes to just sit sipping your favourite cuppa of coffee and read inspirational/motivational stuff to pep yourself up.

No matter how different you are or Whatever your reaction to stress or gloominess is, let me tell you one simple universal fact, the ultimate reality that resides in all of us no matter what, the wonderful thing that happen inside us, nature’s way to tell us to move ahead in life, overcome difficulties, not to be a glum chum and clean our own mess!

Here is what I am talking about:

There are close to 100  trillion  cells in our body doing their core job very diligently day and night, what do you think they are eternal? Wearing a shiny Armour all the time, drinking some magic potion to stay young forever? No, my friend nothing is eternal, this isn't any fairy tale here, they also burn out and die and are replaced by new healthy ones.

When  cells wear out and are  no  longer  needed  or  become  a  threat  to  the  organism, they  undergo  a  suicidal  programmed  cell  death  or  Apoptosis.  This  process  involves  the  cell  to  shrink  and  condense,  disassemble and  alter  its  cell  surface  so  that the neighbouring   cells,  named as macrophages can digest  them. This whole process is so beautifully designed that the  worn out cells are digested before they leak any of their contents into the neighbouring healthy cells.

Now picture this,  your old disappointing experiences, past failures, painful rejections are like those worn out cells in body, occupying the space, not letting new cells which in this case are positive influences, good memories to grow, they disturb your inner equilibrium  , and from time to time they keep releasing their toxic vibes into the surrounding healthy medium and by doing so they are altering and diluting your positivity, our feel good factor, our core being,  whereas you need to destroy them, eliminate them so that your internal homeostasis is always taken care of, so that your inner self is full of positivity, calmness, and goodness

You need to take care of your negative emotions in such a way that your mental equilibrium is not disturbed, to recognize your shortcomings and accept them gracefully, work on them and not holding anyone else responsible for your misery, isn't it? and all this has to happen inside you continuously, Even  in adult  humans,  billions  of  cells  die  each  hour  in  tissues such  as  the  intestine  and  bone  marrow  and  are  replaced by  new  cells. 

Researchers  suggest  that  abnormalities  of  apoptosis  may  play  a  key  role in  Alzheimer  disease, cancer and  autoimmune  disorders. 

Similarly when we don't not work on ourself, our negative emotions, our complaining behaviour,  our shortcomings,  they make us unhappy,  feel unloved and  depressed and dejected in life.

So stop blaming yourself, circumstances, or people, because if you will spend your time and energy doing so,  you will lose out on your happiness, your precious years in cribbing and crying, instead clean your own mess, and do it diligently and so well that others also look up to you, they follow your footsteps, and become a legend, like is said by Martin Luther King Jr. 

“If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as a Michaelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, 'Here lived a great street-sweeper who did his job well.”

Photocredits:Pixabay

Around here.....`

It is 11.45 am, I grab my house keys, quickly adjust the strap of my hazel brown satchel and in four long strides cover the distance from my apartment on 2nd floor to the ground floor. I run my fingers through my dishevelled hair, trying to neat them up a bit, but I am not convinced so I tie my hair up in a messy bun.

Outside the main gate, there is chaos everywhere, both the sides are chocked up with tightly packed vehicles. I don't want to breath in the anger, frustration, and range of the commuters so I move ahead as fast as I can even though it is hurting  me in the right foot, still I move on....I don't want to imbibe this negativity and chaos on the road, negativity is contagious.

The normally calm and serene boulevard is messy today, there are land diggers, cranes and concrete mixers all  working simultaneously....I get miffed , I was not expecting this totally uncalled for change in the otherwise calm surroundings, I drift my thoughts, actually TRY to do so.....glance upwards and see a beautiful balcony decked with flowers,  chic planters and dangling climbers, freely floating in the air....a wind chime going swish-swash....somewhere my mind travels back to garden in Delhi,  how beautiful it used to be, my mornings and afternoons spent in those days, flowers, fragrances, bees, butterflies.....and I sigh deeply....I pick my pace up and enter the building....habitually press the 1st floor and wait impatiently....it opens up, I move out ....press the doorbell....and when the door opens up, I see my cheeky monkey grinning , he rushes towards me with excitement and joy, throws his arms up....I pick him up and two of us return home all giggling and smiling  :)

Being Thankful :)

161-186/365 and life lately

161-186/365

I don't know from where to start, It has been a whole month and I haven't blogged, haven't clicked many pictures, life has happened pretty fast here!!

Firstly, My little boy has started his day care for an hour, yes!! he spends an hour without me at his day care, an hour!! Ahh!! when I say that, I feel a little sink in my heart, a flutter, how that happened, how we both transitioned, and how nicely both of us are doing it!!  You enjoy being there, initially you did cry and so did I, silently behind the locked door in the corridor, we both felt a piece of our heart being taken away, but then soon things turned around, that tells me ,you are my big beaming boy and I am your strong mamma , God bless you.

secondly, I am back to work again :)    .....yes!! and that's the reason why I am not getting to blog lately, I will figure out how to run the show, how to manage my time effectively so that everything gets due attention but for now I am struggling to find time to click pictures and blog, and it breaks my heart a tiny bit, we both were doing a great job of capturing our precious, loving moments, Trust me we will bounce back soon, pretty soon, till then please bear with me !!

Around Here-Calming my mind

Around here-Calming my mind

Immersed in silent contemplation, thinking about life in general, my course, motherhood, and what's coming ahead!!  Like the weather outside, my semblance also seems to be soggy, muggy !! may be it is the effect of the weather, can be!!  After all I tend to gravitate towards nature, It definitely affects my selfhood, my epseity!!

I feel I am not doing a great job of documenting 365 days of Vihaan, well it's not*- that this feeling is recent, it keeps happening to me ever so often, sporadically, I go down the hill!!  why?? because mind (brain) is never at rest..... thinking all the time...or to put it precisely...it's on auto thinking mode....made up of some billion of  neurons, that are ever so excitable, working tirelessly, transmitting impulses (Thoughts) among each other...some times excited...sometimes sad....sometimes pepped up...transmitting signals effectively....sometimes delayed and bit laid back...but working 24/7!!

so while I am in this auto thinking mode, Vihaan is playing nearby, busy with his toys but also checking on me every few minutes...and smiling.... intoxicating my senses with his loveliness !!

I close my eyes...try to free calm my mind, my neurons for a brief time period, I chose to sit in the Padma asana (Lotus pose) and  I bring my palm together, in the Namaskar pose, thanking almighty, the supreme lord, for the sanity still  left in me, for the hope that is baffled but persistent in the existence...submersed in the gratitude surrounded the cool air by the continuously rotating ceiling fan, that sets the otherwise still air in the room into the motion, housed by the walls painted in the shade of chrysanthemum 4002, I feel a light tug at my right elbow, it's Vihaan, I open my eyes and for a brief moment I feel disoriented...Vihaan is looking at me with curious face...he has not seen me like this before, i know I am done for the day :)

Sun is setting, far far away, in the valley... the cattles may have come back by themselves..

it is a warm evening and both of us are pleasantly tired with our day long chores, I fill the Vihaan's bathing tub with cool fresh water, he gently and happily immerses his right foot into the cool clear water,  I see the visible excitement on his face and I pray

May he always be a happy chirpy soul!!

Messy hair diary

Messy hair diary:

Imagine this: you got to go out, everything is ready and perfect and you are all set to shine but then you look at your hair, all messy, frizzy, unruly, euuuuhh!! That’s my story, it has always been that way since my yester years but lately after delivery and this journey into motherhood, it has become all the more grubby, disheveled, and to be honest enough, I  haven’t tended to them also, I haven’t cared enough, no oiling, no proper conditioning, nothing much!! Hmmm where is the time to do all that…I comb them, well that seems enough.  I have been thinking of possible solution to my messy hair story, questioning and counter questioning all in my mind:

Let’s go for a haircut?

We can but what if it turns out to be utter disaster, makes it even more unmanageable,  what will I do then??  no let’s consider other options first. So Haircut!!

Ok, the how about hair straightening/smoothing therapy?

Well  

A) it’s expensive and

B) They are going to apply so many smelly chemicals on my head, and the aftercare is heck!! just too much,

 so a big NOOO, hair straightening/smoothing therapy

What are my options here?? a bit of care, oiling, and conditioning, can work wonders, let’s try that first….it will not happen overnight i know, A lot of care and disciplined regimen is what I need for now!! after all I have no other choice !!

And while I have come to the end of this post, I have convinced Akash to give me a coconut oil head massage ;) so got to go  :)

Have a happy weekend!!

Around Here

Empty spaces, hollow voices, sweat beads crumpled on my upper lip and very uneasy restless me! That’s who I am lately!! Ever since I have returned from Kashmir....  I wake up unrefreshed from my sleep, for many hours I am insomniac and if at all I fall asleep then it is light and disturbed!! 

Everyday I open my laptop to write something but the moment I start, I feel the coldness of my fingers freezing the words , not letting them flow free,  they leave the fingers and loose their essence midway, rendering the thoughts lifeless, meaningless!! 

With disappointment I close the flap and retire to my couch, staring back again in the empty spaces, trying to listen to the hollow voices!!  I will bounce back I know, sooner or later, it’s just a phase I tell myself!! And I wipe away the beads of sweat from my upper lip!!

Where am I??

I wake up to the comfort of a familiar surroundings, Lofty wind pushes it way inside the room and fills me with a sense of calmness and comfort!! I am wide awake ....and happy for being that way!!

Earth is rotating slowly to complete one full rotation around the sun, and I am completely unaware about the rotation because I don't feel it anyway, I am too busy marveling at the beauty all around me, too happy to a part of it even though I know that it's not my reality anymore, that as the earth will keep rotating around the sun making days and nights and before I know , My day will be looking at me directly into the eye and mumbling, "it's time to go".

and even though i will pack my stuff with heavy heart,  get my luggage x-rayed for any potential threat to the airport authorities, take a boarding pass for the flight to Mumbai, a "PREEMINENT" part of my heart will always be in Kashmir, wandering in the wilderness, getting awaken by the crisp morning breeze every day...

I will always love you with the deepest core of my heart!!

Right words....

Right words!!! are not always easy to find, sometimes they are like a moon shrouded by the dark night in the heart of sky, unseen, covert, clouded, and veiled!!

and sometimes you struggle hard to catch hold of them, and often when vulnerable emotionally, the right words seem to be like the so infamous Mistral wind, accelerating when passing through the galvanic farcical temporary psychological state of mind!! blowing away the grit of memories and making the marbles little more luminous ( which is not always for the good) !!

Right words!! sometimes come so easily,unheralded like the first ray of sunshine, combination of bright light and radiant heat, warming body and soul!, fueling the very existence!! enhancing the growth of the our invaluable relationships!!

Right words!! if only you can find!!

A fleeting moment - Thank you note :)

Last night , late late at night, a girl not so happy seemed to be emerging from my core,  leaving  my chest...evaporating into the air all around me...she turned to face me, looked me into the eye....and  I saw a pang of sadness in her perfect orb shaped twin eyes.

Her face pale as left over milk, her heaving heart that barely seems to be beating, her dry cyanotic lips, her clouded mind... chaotic with so many prophetic queries.... and I wondered why?? 

 I looked at her with those probing inquisitive eyes, and exactly at that very precise moment she smiled faintly, opened her mouth and said to me:

Tonight,I am nothing but your imagination,  a sham, a story book, a chimerical unfounded  nebulous entity, a pure figment of your and only your imagination  "Thank you " for liberating me !! For You have worked real hard to make me what I am today, and I am so glad you made me a Phantasmal blue-sky!!

Story of a leaf….

It was the time of re-birth, rejuvenation, renewal, resurrection and regrowth…it was spring!! Snow was melting each day slowly, delicately and the streams were running down the hills…valleys were laden with golden daffodils, dales were decked up with purple Crocuses and the view was spectacular…life was blooming everywhere!! Just then a tiny green leaflet was borne on the branch of a tree…it opened its eyes to the melodies of the passerines, symphonies of  Robin, fluttering of the butterflies!! This tiny leaf knew that somewhere on the earth people will be decorating the windows and doors with the fresh garlands of Jasmine and rose, they will be making colourful Rangoli on the steps and thresholds, and  offering Sandalwood to the fire deity, celebrating its birth….and on the very first night of it’s birth, it  saw the spectacular fireworks in the northern sky, indicating that people somewhere  are scaring away the bad spirits and souls!! They are celebrating its birth!!

Each day it grew a little more, in the morning it was awaken by the kisses of the sunshine, all day long it was entertained by the breath taking somersaults of the bumble bees, and by the hip hop dancing of  dragon flies…in the evening it went into the  trance by the continuous vibrating sound of the male Cicadas, it was lulled to the sleep by the caressing moonshine and at times gently awaken by the magical Moon bow too….and amidst all this, it used to think : “what a wonderful life it is”

And then ,

came the summer, and along with it came the day long heat…while the flowers were still blooming, the fruits were getting ripened by the strong sunlight, there were thunderstorms and rains, the streams were swollen with blessings from above…there was enchanting performance by the clouds, it used to thunder and then pour down…it loved the heavenly feel of the rain drops on its waxy coat…it used to calm it down…wipe it clean drop by drop…and it used to feel re-energized and pepped up again…and at night it slept peacefully snoring under the twinkling spread of bright stars…

summer heat was receding day by day and the bright sunny days became scanty….skies were turning grey…the cherry, fringe, maple and birch trees were changing the colours, from bright green they had gone rustic red…people were collecting the harvest….when it looked below, everyone seemed busy…ants, badgers, squirrels, raccoons, beavers-all of them were busy in hunting and storing the food…and then it noticed a change…it’s green was had turned pale…and now few patches of deep brown were appearing too…still it thought “What a wonderful life it is”

and then one day something unusual happened , the sun travelled at its farthest below the horizon, some birds and animals migrated and others went into hibernation….and then the roots of the tree where it still stood firm announced that it has decided to let the upper part go dormant…it was winter….and that meant- it was the time for this leaf to bid goodbye to the tree…to let go ....it shivered…it quivered…all the trees nearby were naked now…and when the strong wintry wind blew this time, it finally let itself be…it drifted from the branch…into the air…to and fro…little to right and then to the left…and landed on the barren land below…land that was once buzzing with life…it still had traces of life left in it…it looked above, at the tree where it used to be…and thought “what a wonderful life it is”

Time, letting go, and change!!

Not just the momentarily uplifted mood but the sustained effect, or to say correctly all day long sustained release of the contentment and happiness!! There was an unnecessary upheaval going on in my mind….tottering my peace of mind, making me tired and gloomy by the end of the day…. That’s when I started to read “Book of women” ~ Osho, it is a great book indeed…it cleared many cobwebs in my mind….and when cobwebs are removed, the light enlightens the soul, gives a clear visibility to the eyes….your vision changes from being myopic to much wider!!

There is time for everything…time for loneliness, time for solitude, time for celebrations, time for introspection, time for letting be, time for gathering the pieces of the what is left, time for moving on!! And what’s more important is to understand the subtle hints of time, telling you silently to change with it…

when you see a peony, it’s large, often fragrant flowers, filling the air with its fragrance, you know it's spring and when you see the beautiful pink flowers of a lotus, afloat on the top of water surface, while the roots are deep in the soil in bottom, you know its summer, you rely on your knowledge, on your instincts to know when is the time for what!!

You should know when it is the time to embrace the change gracefully, like unfolding petals of a flower that embraces the wind….even if the fact remains that wind might embrace the flower so passionately that it might blow the petals away….into the air…

On a lighter note, We (I and Josna) had been on a day out, just two of us on Saturday…kids were taken care by their respective dad’s while the two of us shared some lighter moments over a cup of coffee and iced tea…it was a break for both of us…break from our routine and I must confess I forgot about whom I was for those 2 ½ hours…the conversation was about life in general, our future goals, how we want to see our life in say next 2-3 years and how to focus on good things in life!!  In all the effortless thread of communication, we forgot to click a picture of us...the memorable picture!! anyhow I am saving that memory here in my post forever!!

Kahwa and flax seeds tea and my learning today!!

It was a great day….I felt so energetic, so refreshed and full of life…why?? Because of many things:

Firstly I woke up at 7 rather than 9 which I usually do….I used my handmade soap for shower  and I felt so good… I thought I am so happy to see my creation put to good use…than won’t god be happy to see his creation (that’s me) so happy today…he will be thinking what a beautiful creation is this soul…so happy so cheerful, full of love, exactly the way i wanted it to be!! That’s what I actually thought!!

Secondly I read few chapters from the “Book of Woman” while sipping my fav Kashmiri Kahwa tea… (Infusion of kahwa leaves, cinnamon, saffron, and sugar) with 2 teaspoons of flax seeds…!! Adding the seeds was a new twist in the usual tea…why?? because:

Power packed flax seeds have a nutty taste…they are a source of omega-3 and omega-6, rich source of lignin, that’s flushes out the excess oestrogen from body reducing chances of oestrogen linked cancers like breast cancer. 

( Note: They should be crushed before use otherwise they will pass through the body just like that…once crushed they should be refrigerated because the oil  in the seeds will be oxidized thereby diminishing their nutritive value).

And thirdly:

I gifted Josna one homemade soap J, we had our casual discussion about life, how things should be actually and how we mistakenly perceive them to be…how life should move on, how our relationships should be…it is always refreshing to have such discussions with her… and every time we end up learning a thing or two…embracing the beauty of life’s mysteries with open arms !!