Motherhood- Holy guacamole

Motherhood-Holy Guacamole

 When people tell you that it's the right time to have a baby, they are talking about your body and your age, but it's not just that. It's not just the age that matters while you are planning to have a baby, it's a mix of many things. Physical health, psychic component, right perspective about life is what all needs to be in place. 

Everyone knows that being a mother is not that easy, it demands a lot, after all, you have a life to nurture, to take care of, to teach about life and it's doings. It demands selfless love- literally.

 You need to be healthy to take care of your child. Health is wealth and who so ever had said that surely knew the blessing of a healthy life. If you are not well, you cannot give your 100 percent and wearing the motherhood shoes demands a lot of running around, and most of the time it is a one-legged race and the shoes are pretty heavy ones,

It is like juggling things, and the stuff you are busy juggling is most precious and delicate, and you cannot miss out any of it, all of it is very very important.

 I read a quote somewhere "I don't want to sleep like a baby, I want to sleep like my husband" yes it's true. It will be you burning the nights and not expected to let the smoke out, you will have to keep it contained inside, initially, you do it but then it's not humanly possible, and some day it will just explode, fill up the air between you and your spouse and suffocate you guys unless one of you opens the window and lets the fresh air in so that you can breathe and see each other clearly again like you used to till the time the hypnotism is shaken off by a shrill baby cry and you rush again to the farthest corner of the room . It definitely is straining for the couples. 

It teaches you the intricate art of doing things with one hand because the other hand is busy holding the baby. 

Your social circles takes a toss:

 Your friend pings you; wanna grab a cup of coffee at 3.00 

You: yeah sure, oh no its baby's nap time, maybe some other time. 

Friend: Hey I was in your town, and you didn't call me up ( happened with me last week) 

You: Oh yeah, sorry, baby had a loose gut, so all I was doing was diaper change, diaper in bin, baby in cot, one more bout, then again diaper change, diaper in bin, baby in cot, one more bout, then again diaper change, diaper in cot, baby in bin....wait a second, did I say baby in bin? Aarrghhh....I am stressed out :( I hope you understand. 

Seriously when I am going out, my bag is full and loaded with baby wipes, diapers, extra clothing, baby food, water ....my stuff...I don't even know where I kept my shades, my wrist watch...phew who needs them anymore :o

 You are so tired to change into anything while going out and wearing yoga pants seems the best possible option and you have no complaints about that. Style quotient goes on a vacation :)

 Off diaper time is a warm jet of freshly brewed pee on your face, ahh! Refreshing. 

And when finally your baby is fast asleep, you are exhausted, you look like a drug addict...but then you marvel at the beauty, the innocence, the calmness on his face, your heart overflows with love, your eyes brim up with tears, you feel a lump in your throat and kiss that face and you thank God for the sweetest gift and if by any chance baby wakes up again..you are dead!! mind it...nobody should disturb a sleeping baby..

It's like that!!

A Prayer

Sometimes there is a lot going on inside,

A sea of questions surging high in a full moon night, calm otherwise but on certain nights, it surges high! Gently pulled but harshly pushed by silver glistening moonlight

A rolling thunder far far away, but loud enough to give you jitters,

A hurricane, mighty enough to cause an upheaval of otherwise well-tamed emotions.

When there is so much happening Inside, what do you do?

I PRAY!!

Budget Diaries - Bye bye Maid (Project Cleaning the house without a Maid)

Budget Diaries - Bye bye Maid

 (Project Cleaning the house without a Maid) 

 I have always made a list of things, penned down the ways I can smartly manage my home budget, cut down the unnecessary expenses and run the house efficiently, in spite of all the analysis, I have always ended up spending more and that too many times on trivial things. And now New Year has again pushed me to not just dot the I’s and cross the T's but to actual take steps in the right direction and get some tangible results. 

So to begin with my first smart move (although Akash is not convinced that this is a smart move because he thinks it is fugacious, that I won't be able to keep up with it and I am exhausting myself physically) was to bid farewell to my maid, who was with me since 1 1/2 year! I was not really happy with her work and was constantly annoyed the way she did stuff around the house, it seemed she used to gambol round the room rather than cleaning, there was no probity in her demeanour, that's why instead to getting annoyed and sabotaging my mental peace I said ¡Adios! to her. 

I will be saving some money and cleaning more efficiently off course! That was the first move....and I am really really happy, and as of now my spirit is indefatigable!

New Year New Start

New year New start

New year! I want to do things differently this year, make healthy choices, invest my time and money in fitness...I don't want to jump the gun here but yes I have been going for a walk early morning since a week now, started on 26th December, for past 1 week I did brisk walking for some 3.5 km's and today I increased my target goal to 4 km's, it wasn't easy though, after I completed my usual target of 3.5, I did felt little weak in my legs but then lady from my running app very softly whispered in my ears - You can do it, we are almost there ☺ and that sort of brought smile on my face, it cheered me up! And I went ahead to complete my goal. The best part is that I can track my every move, see my pace , my speed on the screen! How many kilometres I cover, that's why I choose a different route each day, what is the point of walking the same route, same bend, same curve daily, when I know where I am going to land at the end. Feels good to know that to some extent I have been able to over come my desire to snooze the alarm and slip under the covers for some more time, to over come the urge to not getting up, this was the biggest challenge for me, and I have awakened to the fact that -If we do what we can do, then God will do what we Can't ☺ and here I stand corrected! 

I am going to keep my faith and keep going! Because I am loving my matutinal ritual :)

The day I chose to "Just be" Myself

It seemed as if a bunch of stray cats had barged in my house and ransacked everything. There were toys all the floor, a tea cup lying on the table, spilled tea all over the tablecloth, some had already trickled down on the floor, pile of washed clothes that I had gathered from the cloth line were lying in a heap on the dining table as well, house was a total mess, 

It happened twice that I pulled myself together to clean everything up, but every time I tried doing so, Vihaan would come and scatter toys all over again and then run towards the farthest end of the room,  it seemed to me as if he was enjoying all of it, he had sensed my distress and was trying to be funny, maybe to cheer me up...I left everything there as it is and curled myself up on our pistachio green couch, just like a ball of fur, I lay there motionless....there was an invisible compulsive thread that seemed to pull my feet forward, trying to make me stand again and clear the mess, but a more strong, invincible thread pulled my back more deeper into the couch, not letting me go. 

That's when I simply, chose to just be, let things be the way they are, toys all over, spilled tea on the floor, and the heap of clothes on the table, I called Vihaan and the little one just came running towards me with full of energy....we both lay there playing our favourite game, "This little  piggy"

Sometimes it just feels great to not take the load of everything around, and sometimes "messy people are the happy  people "

Apoptosis-In Pursuit of inner peace

Yes, I know we all feel sad and depressed at times, we all go through that grind at some point or the other in our life, and that's when it feels really good to have someone nice and comforting near us, to make us see the silver lining and the Green pastures, right? And if you are the other kind, you will probably go into the shell, bottle up things inside you, or you may be the one who likes to just sit sipping your favourite cuppa of coffee and read inspirational/motivational stuff to pep yourself up.

No matter how different you are or Whatever your reaction to stress or gloominess is, let me tell you one simple universal fact, the ultimate reality that resides in all of us no matter what, the wonderful thing that happen inside us, nature’s way to tell us to move ahead in life, overcome difficulties, not to be a glum chum and clean our own mess!

Here is what I am talking about:

There are close to 100  trillion  cells in our body doing their core job very diligently day and night, what do you think they are eternal? Wearing a shiny Armour all the time, drinking some magic potion to stay young forever? No, my friend nothing is eternal, this isn't any fairy tale here, they also burn out and die and are replaced by new healthy ones.

When  cells wear out and are  no  longer  needed  or  become  a  threat  to  the  organism, they  undergo  a  suicidal  programmed  cell  death  or  Apoptosis.  This  process  involves  the  cell  to  shrink  and  condense,  disassemble and  alter  its  cell  surface  so  that the neighbouring   cells,  named as macrophages can digest  them. This whole process is so beautifully designed that the  worn out cells are digested before they leak any of their contents into the neighbouring healthy cells.

Now picture this,  your old disappointing experiences, past failures, painful rejections are like those worn out cells in body, occupying the space, not letting new cells which in this case are positive influences, good memories to grow, they disturb your inner equilibrium  , and from time to time they keep releasing their toxic vibes into the surrounding healthy medium and by doing so they are altering and diluting your positivity, our feel good factor, our core being,  whereas you need to destroy them, eliminate them so that your internal homeostasis is always taken care of, so that your inner self is full of positivity, calmness, and goodness

You need to take care of your negative emotions in such a way that your mental equilibrium is not disturbed, to recognize your shortcomings and accept them gracefully, work on them and not holding anyone else responsible for your misery, isn't it? and all this has to happen inside you continuously, Even  in adult  humans,  billions  of  cells  die  each  hour  in  tissues such  as  the  intestine  and  bone  marrow  and  are  replaced by  new  cells. 

Researchers  suggest  that  abnormalities  of  apoptosis  may  play  a  key  role in  Alzheimer  disease, cancer and  autoimmune  disorders. 

Similarly when we don't not work on ourself, our negative emotions, our complaining behaviour,  our shortcomings,  they make us unhappy,  feel unloved and  depressed and dejected in life.

So stop blaming yourself, circumstances, or people, because if you will spend your time and energy doing so,  you will lose out on your happiness, your precious years in cribbing and crying, instead clean your own mess, and do it diligently and so well that others also look up to you, they follow your footsteps, and become a legend, like is said by Martin Luther King Jr. 

“If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as a Michaelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, 'Here lived a great street-sweeper who did his job well.”

Photocredits:Pixabay

Around here.....`

It is 11.45 am, I grab my house keys, quickly adjust the strap of my hazel brown satchel and in four long strides cover the distance from my apartment on 2nd floor to the ground floor. I run my fingers through my dishevelled hair, trying to neat them up a bit, but I am not convinced so I tie my hair up in a messy bun.

Outside the main gate, there is chaos everywhere, both the sides are chocked up with tightly packed vehicles. I don't want to breath in the anger, frustration, and range of the commuters so I move ahead as fast as I can even though it is hurting  me in the right foot, still I move on....I don't want to imbibe this negativity and chaos on the road, negativity is contagious.

The normally calm and serene boulevard is messy today, there are land diggers, cranes and concrete mixers all  working simultaneously....I get miffed , I was not expecting this totally uncalled for change in the otherwise calm surroundings, I drift my thoughts, actually TRY to do so.....glance upwards and see a beautiful balcony decked with flowers,  chic planters and dangling climbers, freely floating in the air....a wind chime going swish-swash....somewhere my mind travels back to garden in Delhi,  how beautiful it used to be, my mornings and afternoons spent in those days, flowers, fragrances, bees, butterflies.....and I sigh deeply....I pick my pace up and enter the building....habitually press the 1st floor and wait impatiently....it opens up, I move out ....press the doorbell....and when the door opens up, I see my cheeky monkey grinning , he rushes towards me with excitement and joy, throws his arms up....I pick him up and two of us return home all giggling and smiling  :)

Being Thankful :)

Around Here-Calming my mind

Around here-Calming my mind

Immersed in silent contemplation, thinking about life in general, my course, motherhood, and what's coming ahead!!  Like the weather outside, my semblance also seems to be soggy, muggy !! may be it is the effect of the weather, can be!!  After all I tend to gravitate towards nature, It definitely affects my selfhood, my epseity!!

I feel I am not doing a great job of documenting 365 days of Vihaan, well it's not*- that this feeling is recent, it keeps happening to me ever so often, sporadically, I go down the hill!!  why?? because mind (brain) is never at rest..... thinking all the time...or to put it precisely...it's on auto thinking mode....made up of some billion of  neurons, that are ever so excitable, working tirelessly, transmitting impulses (Thoughts) among each other...some times excited...sometimes sad....sometimes pepped up...transmitting signals effectively....sometimes delayed and bit laid back...but working 24/7!!

so while I am in this auto thinking mode, Vihaan is playing nearby, busy with his toys but also checking on me every few minutes...and smiling.... intoxicating my senses with his loveliness !!

I close my eyes...try to free calm my mind, my neurons for a brief time period, I chose to sit in the Padma asana (Lotus pose) and  I bring my palm together, in the Namaskar pose, thanking almighty, the supreme lord, for the sanity still  left in me, for the hope that is baffled but persistent in the existence...submersed in the gratitude surrounded the cool air by the continuously rotating ceiling fan, that sets the otherwise still air in the room into the motion, housed by the walls painted in the shade of chrysanthemum 4002, I feel a light tug at my right elbow, it's Vihaan, I open my eyes and for a brief moment I feel disoriented...Vihaan is looking at me with curious face...he has not seen me like this before, i know I am done for the day :)

Sun is setting, far far away, in the valley... the cattles may have come back by themselves..

it is a warm evening and both of us are pleasantly tired with our day long chores, I fill the Vihaan's bathing tub with cool fresh water, he gently and happily immerses his right foot into the cool clear water,  I see the visible excitement on his face and I pray

May he always be a happy chirpy soul!!

Around Here

Empty spaces, hollow voices, sweat beads crumpled on my upper lip and very uneasy restless me! That’s who I am lately!! Ever since I have returned from Kashmir....  I wake up unrefreshed from my sleep, for many hours I am insomniac and if at all I fall asleep then it is light and disturbed!! 

Everyday I open my laptop to write something but the moment I start, I feel the coldness of my fingers freezing the words , not letting them flow free,  they leave the fingers and loose their essence midway, rendering the thoughts lifeless, meaningless!! 

With disappointment I close the flap and retire to my couch, staring back again in the empty spaces, trying to listen to the hollow voices!!  I will bounce back I know, sooner or later, it’s just a phase I tell myself!! And I wipe away the beads of sweat from my upper lip!!

Right words....

Right words!!! are not always easy to find, sometimes they are like a moon shrouded by the dark night in the heart of sky, unseen, covert, clouded, and veiled!!

and sometimes you struggle hard to catch hold of them, and often when vulnerable emotionally, the right words seem to be like the so infamous Mistral wind, accelerating when passing through the galvanic farcical temporary psychological state of mind!! blowing away the grit of memories and making the marbles little more luminous ( which is not always for the good) !!

Right words!! sometimes come so easily,unheralded like the first ray of sunshine, combination of bright light and radiant heat, warming body and soul!, fueling the very existence!! enhancing the growth of the our invaluable relationships!!

Right words!! if only you can find!!

Story of a leaf….

It was the time of re-birth, rejuvenation, renewal, resurrection and regrowth…it was spring!! Snow was melting each day slowly, delicately and the streams were running down the hills…valleys were laden with golden daffodils, dales were decked up with purple Crocuses and the view was spectacular…life was blooming everywhere!! Just then a tiny green leaflet was borne on the branch of a tree…it opened its eyes to the melodies of the passerines, symphonies of  Robin, fluttering of the butterflies!! This tiny leaf knew that somewhere on the earth people will be decorating the windows and doors with the fresh garlands of Jasmine and rose, they will be making colourful Rangoli on the steps and thresholds, and  offering Sandalwood to the fire deity, celebrating its birth….and on the very first night of it’s birth, it  saw the spectacular fireworks in the northern sky, indicating that people somewhere  are scaring away the bad spirits and souls!! They are celebrating its birth!!

Each day it grew a little more, in the morning it was awaken by the kisses of the sunshine, all day long it was entertained by the breath taking somersaults of the bumble bees, and by the hip hop dancing of  dragon flies…in the evening it went into the  trance by the continuous vibrating sound of the male Cicadas, it was lulled to the sleep by the caressing moonshine and at times gently awaken by the magical Moon bow too….and amidst all this, it used to think : “what a wonderful life it is”

And then ,

came the summer, and along with it came the day long heat…while the flowers were still blooming, the fruits were getting ripened by the strong sunlight, there were thunderstorms and rains, the streams were swollen with blessings from above…there was enchanting performance by the clouds, it used to thunder and then pour down…it loved the heavenly feel of the rain drops on its waxy coat…it used to calm it down…wipe it clean drop by drop…and it used to feel re-energized and pepped up again…and at night it slept peacefully snoring under the twinkling spread of bright stars…

summer heat was receding day by day and the bright sunny days became scanty….skies were turning grey…the cherry, fringe, maple and birch trees were changing the colours, from bright green they had gone rustic red…people were collecting the harvest….when it looked below, everyone seemed busy…ants, badgers, squirrels, raccoons, beavers-all of them were busy in hunting and storing the food…and then it noticed a change…it’s green was had turned pale…and now few patches of deep brown were appearing too…still it thought “What a wonderful life it is”

and then one day something unusual happened , the sun travelled at its farthest below the horizon, some birds and animals migrated and others went into hibernation….and then the roots of the tree where it still stood firm announced that it has decided to let the upper part go dormant…it was winter….and that meant- it was the time for this leaf to bid goodbye to the tree…to let go ....it shivered…it quivered…all the trees nearby were naked now…and when the strong wintry wind blew this time, it finally let itself be…it drifted from the branch…into the air…to and fro…little to right and then to the left…and landed on the barren land below…land that was once buzzing with life…it still had traces of life left in it…it looked above, at the tree where it used to be…and thought “what a wonderful life it is”

I am the change...

Change!!  I get lost somewhere in the resonance of this word, in the vibrations as this word travels all around me in the air …I get lost as the sound of this word propagates, and is then received and perceived by my brain…

I was born and given a specific name, but I am no longer that person anymore... 

and If I have changed and I continue to do, then I wonder, should I be called by the same name " Supreet" ??? 

My name was "pratinu" when I was born and was a tiny being...at the same time I was a  "Putri" (daughter),  a "Sodarya" (Sister),

"shishuka" when I was a toddler..."Kishori" when I was going through the phase of hormonal interplay and spurt in bodily growth. When I went in search of career and dedicated my life to studies, my name was "Talib"... and "Rajati" when I fell in love..".samvesha" when I used to day dream and spend hours dreaming about my future.

"Jaya" the moment I was pronounced as wife by holy men, when we walked around the fire deity... "utkalapayati" when I bid farewell to  my father's place and went on to live with my husband.  My name was" Prajavati" when I had bun in my oven... and "Janyitri" when Vihaan was born...

I will remain a "Putri" (daughter),  a "Sodarya" (Sister), a "Sakhi" (Friend), a "Jaya" (Wife), a " Janyitri" (Mother) for the respective relations in my life yet I will be changing continuously...for today you can call me "Mumukshu"  ( One who seeks Liberation) .

Like a snake I shed my personality when I outgrow it…

Like a tree... I  shed my insecurities and my fears when they weigh me down…but with time they seem to grow on me again...and the cycle continues...the changes continues!!

Like a river I bend my course when the terrain requires…I am never the same, however my origin remains so... 

Like a seed sometimes I go in complete darkness , choose to remain dormant , bulb out when conditions are favorable and bloom like a flower when the time has reached…

Tomorrow when the sun will rise above the horizon... and the horizon will be painted red...while the rest of the sky will mostly be blue....I will have a different name :) and what will that be?? I don't know !!

I am the change!!

At home-with a friend

Finally the much awaited picture was clicked today!!

I had been to Josna's welcoming and cozy home today...and I made sure that we clicked our picture together...I always feel at ease with her, it is the feeling that I get when she is around...feeling that "lets me be" and then everything happens effortlessly... she has that sort of an aura...that is welcoming and serene.

I have also learned quite a few things from her...ginger drink and caramel pudding which she had made for us today and we loved it!! 

Thank you Josna for being a part of our life and making us relish your wonderful recipes :)  !! 

Today-liberated me

When I woke up this morning ,I felt better...much lighter..and like any other usual morning my mind was up and It had already made a to-do list for the day ahead, and was in a planning mode, on the execution, while I was still wrapped up in my sheets...Even though my Mind was already on the working mode, body was not ready to get up and get going, it was asking for a snooze button, for 5 more minutes...so i listened to my body.

My thoughts drifted to my last night's post, "feeling lost", I know it was all complains...but then again, i have to be honest to my space here...it has to be real me, and I must confess I too have my weak moments...i too go down hill some days...become too self centered at times... but then It's not in my fiber to be like that for long...I vent out, I complain and I move on...

 I am learning, learning to have a bigger heart...learning to accept things gracefully, learning to let go easily..to not focus on "I" all the time, rather on "us", it's like playing Hopscotch square, You hop from square to square tossing the stone without touching the boundaries and if you do so, you are out, you loose it...

Similarly At times you lose your patience while dealing with day to day issues and when you do so, you break down, but then you should not stop just there, you should try again, yearn for a better performance next time without losing your patience!!

That's me...honest me...and today -liberated me :)

Lost- Just like that!!

Today, I feel lost,  like an ordinary singleton draped in fabric of restlessness, dyed in the shade of deep pretence, woven with so many insecurities, stitched with anxiety…that’s my garb today …and the predicament is such that I cannot take this garb off me, because that will make me vulnerable , make me a subject of talk, bone of contention.

I feel like as if I am wearing a crown of drudgery, crown of sadness, of unseen fears which is making my head heavy and my judgement clouded…

 There is this palpable tenderness in my heart… It’s choked up with too many why’s …

And today I lack the mettle to counter these why’s??  I am tired, I am so lost !!

If I were Kalidas....

If I were kalidas, I would have written Ratridutaa instead of Meghaduta :), requesting the “Night messenger” to pass my messages to the sleep…and it would be something like this:

Oh, beloved night, you came to me riding the wings of an owl…. please pass my messages to my sleep… that roams away in the wilderness and waylays and has sought solace in being away from me!!

I miss you dearly… I am waiting for you with so many dreams in my eyes, dreams of love, and dreams of hope!!

That I am wide awake from such a long time waiting for you to shower the drops of hypnosis, so that it washes away my tiredness…

Fill my eyes with your ever lasting memory,  I am waiting for that rare moment…one that I am aching for , pining for, for I cannot bear the separation anymore.

I have long forgotten your melody, and I try to make a new one every night, in hope that it may sound pleasing to you and may be you will be pulled towards me, I will play the "Chitra veena", and even sing the "Revati Raga", may be the melody will draw you closer to me...

 I will not hold you for long, I will put off the lamps once you come and I promise to let you go as soon as the sun comes out riding its chariot driven by 7 horses… !!

Oh, beloved night, for once,  please carry these messages secretly, with utmost care and pass them to my long lost sleep…