A Prayer

Sometimes there is a lot going on inside,

A sea of questions surging high in a full moon night, calm otherwise but on certain nights, it surges high! Gently pulled but harshly pushed by silver glistening moonlight

A rolling thunder far far away, but loud enough to give you jitters,

A hurricane, mighty enough to cause an upheaval of otherwise well-tamed emotions.

When there is so much happening Inside, what do you do?

I PRAY!!

What is life?

Tonight, as I write this post, I hear the clinking of the spoon in the kitchen, Akash is brewing coffee for me, It was a request from me for a cup of hot coffee... 

This clicking sound takes me far deeper in my thoughts, and I think, what is life?

It is being born

Being loved my your family

Making friends

falling in love

having to undergo heart breaks

sulking about being treated unfairly

Falling in love again

dreaming of a future

setting up  goals

working hard for achieving your goal

then realizing that not all your goals were realistic

feeling depressed

getting married

those initial years when love is in the air :)

having a baby

then everything about the baby, all the time baby baby  baby

ouch! occasional skirmishes over the baby

Well, that's what is happening in here right now ;)

My coffee is brewed and absolutely ready...I am going to gulp it down, lie in the arms of my sweetheart, close my eyes, and stop the tape that is playing out in my head, that says, "what is life? :)

Good night!!

The day I chose to "Just be" Myself

It seemed as if a bunch of stray cats had barged in my house and ransacked everything. There were toys all the floor, a tea cup lying on the table, spilled tea all over the tablecloth, some had already trickled down on the floor, pile of washed clothes that I had gathered from the cloth line were lying in a heap on the dining table as well, house was a total mess, 

It happened twice that I pulled myself together to clean everything up, but every time I tried doing so, Vihaan would come and scatter toys all over again and then run towards the farthest end of the room,  it seemed to me as if he was enjoying all of it, he had sensed my distress and was trying to be funny, maybe to cheer me up...I left everything there as it is and curled myself up on our pistachio green couch, just like a ball of fur, I lay there motionless....there was an invisible compulsive thread that seemed to pull my feet forward, trying to make me stand again and clear the mess, but a more strong, invincible thread pulled my back more deeper into the couch, not letting me go. 

That's when I simply, chose to just be, let things be the way they are, toys all over, spilled tea on the floor, and the heap of clothes on the table, I called Vihaan and the little one just came running towards me with full of energy....we both lay there playing our favourite game, "This little  piggy"

Sometimes it just feels great to not take the load of everything around, and sometimes "messy people are the happy  people "

Around here.....`

It is 11.45 am, I grab my house keys, quickly adjust the strap of my hazel brown satchel and in four long strides cover the distance from my apartment on 2nd floor to the ground floor. I run my fingers through my dishevelled hair, trying to neat them up a bit, but I am not convinced so I tie my hair up in a messy bun.

Outside the main gate, there is chaos everywhere, both the sides are chocked up with tightly packed vehicles. I don't want to breath in the anger, frustration, and range of the commuters so I move ahead as fast as I can even though it is hurting  me in the right foot, still I move on....I don't want to imbibe this negativity and chaos on the road, negativity is contagious.

The normally calm and serene boulevard is messy today, there are land diggers, cranes and concrete mixers all  working simultaneously....I get miffed , I was not expecting this totally uncalled for change in the otherwise calm surroundings, I drift my thoughts, actually TRY to do so.....glance upwards and see a beautiful balcony decked with flowers,  chic planters and dangling climbers, freely floating in the air....a wind chime going swish-swash....somewhere my mind travels back to garden in Delhi,  how beautiful it used to be, my mornings and afternoons spent in those days, flowers, fragrances, bees, butterflies.....and I sigh deeply....I pick my pace up and enter the building....habitually press the 1st floor and wait impatiently....it opens up, I move out ....press the doorbell....and when the door opens up, I see my cheeky monkey grinning , he rushes towards me with excitement and joy, throws his arms up....I pick him up and two of us return home all giggling and smiling  :)

Being Thankful :)

161-186/365 and life lately

161-186/365

I don't know from where to start, It has been a whole month and I haven't blogged, haven't clicked many pictures, life has happened pretty fast here!!

Firstly, My little boy has started his day care for an hour, yes!! he spends an hour without me at his day care, an hour!! Ahh!! when I say that, I feel a little sink in my heart, a flutter, how that happened, how we both transitioned, and how nicely both of us are doing it!!  You enjoy being there, initially you did cry and so did I, silently behind the locked door in the corridor, we both felt a piece of our heart being taken away, but then soon things turned around, that tells me ,you are my big beaming boy and I am your strong mamma , God bless you.

secondly, I am back to work again :)    .....yes!! and that's the reason why I am not getting to blog lately, I will figure out how to run the show, how to manage my time effectively so that everything gets due attention but for now I am struggling to find time to click pictures and blog, and it breaks my heart a tiny bit, we both were doing a great job of capturing our precious, loving moments, Trust me we will bounce back soon, pretty soon, till then please bear with me !!

Around Here-Calming my mind

Around here-Calming my mind

Immersed in silent contemplation, thinking about life in general, my course, motherhood, and what's coming ahead!!  Like the weather outside, my semblance also seems to be soggy, muggy !! may be it is the effect of the weather, can be!!  After all I tend to gravitate towards nature, It definitely affects my selfhood, my epseity!!

I feel I am not doing a great job of documenting 365 days of Vihaan, well it's not*- that this feeling is recent, it keeps happening to me ever so often, sporadically, I go down the hill!!  why?? because mind (brain) is never at rest..... thinking all the time...or to put it precisely...it's on auto thinking mode....made up of some billion of  neurons, that are ever so excitable, working tirelessly, transmitting impulses (Thoughts) among each other...some times excited...sometimes sad....sometimes pepped up...transmitting signals effectively....sometimes delayed and bit laid back...but working 24/7!!

so while I am in this auto thinking mode, Vihaan is playing nearby, busy with his toys but also checking on me every few minutes...and smiling.... intoxicating my senses with his loveliness !!

I close my eyes...try to free calm my mind, my neurons for a brief time period, I chose to sit in the Padma asana (Lotus pose) and  I bring my palm together, in the Namaskar pose, thanking almighty, the supreme lord, for the sanity still  left in me, for the hope that is baffled but persistent in the existence...submersed in the gratitude surrounded the cool air by the continuously rotating ceiling fan, that sets the otherwise still air in the room into the motion, housed by the walls painted in the shade of chrysanthemum 4002, I feel a light tug at my right elbow, it's Vihaan, I open my eyes and for a brief moment I feel disoriented...Vihaan is looking at me with curious face...he has not seen me like this before, i know I am done for the day :)

Sun is setting, far far away, in the valley... the cattles may have come back by themselves..

it is a warm evening and both of us are pleasantly tired with our day long chores, I fill the Vihaan's bathing tub with cool fresh water, he gently and happily immerses his right foot into the cool clear water,  I see the visible excitement on his face and I pray

May he always be a happy chirpy soul!!

Around Here

Empty spaces, hollow voices, sweat beads crumpled on my upper lip and very uneasy restless me! That’s who I am lately!! Ever since I have returned from Kashmir....  I wake up unrefreshed from my sleep, for many hours I am insomniac and if at all I fall asleep then it is light and disturbed!! 

Everyday I open my laptop to write something but the moment I start, I feel the coldness of my fingers freezing the words , not letting them flow free,  they leave the fingers and loose their essence midway, rendering the thoughts lifeless, meaningless!! 

With disappointment I close the flap and retire to my couch, staring back again in the empty spaces, trying to listen to the hollow voices!!  I will bounce back I know, sooner or later, it’s just a phase I tell myself!! And I wipe away the beads of sweat from my upper lip!!

Where am I??

I wake up to the comfort of a familiar surroundings, Lofty wind pushes it way inside the room and fills me with a sense of calmness and comfort!! I am wide awake ....and happy for being that way!!

Earth is rotating slowly to complete one full rotation around the sun, and I am completely unaware about the rotation because I don't feel it anyway, I am too busy marveling at the beauty all around me, too happy to a part of it even though I know that it's not my reality anymore, that as the earth will keep rotating around the sun making days and nights and before I know , My day will be looking at me directly into the eye and mumbling, "it's time to go".

and even though i will pack my stuff with heavy heart,  get my luggage x-rayed for any potential threat to the airport authorities, take a boarding pass for the flight to Mumbai, a "PREEMINENT" part of my heart will always be in Kashmir, wandering in the wilderness, getting awaken by the crisp morning breeze every day...

I will always love you with the deepest core of my heart!!

A fleeting moment - Thank you note :)

Last night , late late at night, a girl not so happy seemed to be emerging from my core,  leaving  my chest...evaporating into the air all around me...she turned to face me, looked me into the eye....and  I saw a pang of sadness in her perfect orb shaped twin eyes.

Her face pale as left over milk, her heaving heart that barely seems to be beating, her dry cyanotic lips, her clouded mind... chaotic with so many prophetic queries.... and I wondered why?? 

 I looked at her with those probing inquisitive eyes, and exactly at that very precise moment she smiled faintly, opened her mouth and said to me:

Tonight,I am nothing but your imagination,  a sham, a story book, a chimerical unfounded  nebulous entity, a pure figment of your and only your imagination  "Thank you " for liberating me !! For You have worked real hard to make me what I am today, and I am so glad you made me a Phantasmal blue-sky!!

Kahwa and flax seeds tea and my learning today!!

It was a great day….I felt so energetic, so refreshed and full of life…why?? Because of many things:

Firstly I woke up at 7 rather than 9 which I usually do….I used my handmade soap for shower  and I felt so good… I thought I am so happy to see my creation put to good use…than won’t god be happy to see his creation (that’s me) so happy today…he will be thinking what a beautiful creation is this soul…so happy so cheerful, full of love, exactly the way i wanted it to be!! That’s what I actually thought!!

Secondly I read few chapters from the “Book of Woman” while sipping my fav Kashmiri Kahwa tea… (Infusion of kahwa leaves, cinnamon, saffron, and sugar) with 2 teaspoons of flax seeds…!! Adding the seeds was a new twist in the usual tea…why?? because:

Power packed flax seeds have a nutty taste…they are a source of omega-3 and omega-6, rich source of lignin, that’s flushes out the excess oestrogen from body reducing chances of oestrogen linked cancers like breast cancer. 

( Note: They should be crushed before use otherwise they will pass through the body just like that…once crushed they should be refrigerated because the oil  in the seeds will be oxidized thereby diminishing their nutritive value).

And thirdly:

I gifted Josna one homemade soap J, we had our casual discussion about life, how things should be actually and how we mistakenly perceive them to be…how life should move on, how our relationships should be…it is always refreshing to have such discussions with her… and every time we end up learning a thing or two…embracing the beauty of life’s mysteries with open arms !!

I am the change...

Change!!  I get lost somewhere in the resonance of this word, in the vibrations as this word travels all around me in the air …I get lost as the sound of this word propagates, and is then received and perceived by my brain…

I was born and given a specific name, but I am no longer that person anymore... 

and If I have changed and I continue to do, then I wonder, should I be called by the same name " Supreet" ??? 

My name was "pratinu" when I was born and was a tiny being...at the same time I was a  "Putri" (daughter),  a "Sodarya" (Sister),

"shishuka" when I was a toddler..."Kishori" when I was going through the phase of hormonal interplay and spurt in bodily growth. When I went in search of career and dedicated my life to studies, my name was "Talib"... and "Rajati" when I fell in love..".samvesha" when I used to day dream and spend hours dreaming about my future.

"Jaya" the moment I was pronounced as wife by holy men, when we walked around the fire deity... "utkalapayati" when I bid farewell to  my father's place and went on to live with my husband.  My name was" Prajavati" when I had bun in my oven... and "Janyitri" when Vihaan was born...

I will remain a "Putri" (daughter),  a "Sodarya" (Sister), a "Sakhi" (Friend), a "Jaya" (Wife), a " Janyitri" (Mother) for the respective relations in my life yet I will be changing continuously...for today you can call me "Mumukshu"  ( One who seeks Liberation) .

Like a snake I shed my personality when I outgrow it…

Like a tree... I  shed my insecurities and my fears when they weigh me down…but with time they seem to grow on me again...and the cycle continues...the changes continues!!

Like a river I bend my course when the terrain requires…I am never the same, however my origin remains so... 

Like a seed sometimes I go in complete darkness , choose to remain dormant , bulb out when conditions are favorable and bloom like a flower when the time has reached…

Tomorrow when the sun will rise above the horizon... and the horizon will be painted red...while the rest of the sky will mostly be blue....I will have a different name :) and what will that be?? I don't know !!

I am the change!!

Today-liberated me

When I woke up this morning ,I felt better...much lighter..and like any other usual morning my mind was up and It had already made a to-do list for the day ahead, and was in a planning mode, on the execution, while I was still wrapped up in my sheets...Even though my Mind was already on the working mode, body was not ready to get up and get going, it was asking for a snooze button, for 5 more minutes...so i listened to my body.

My thoughts drifted to my last night's post, "feeling lost", I know it was all complains...but then again, i have to be honest to my space here...it has to be real me, and I must confess I too have my weak moments...i too go down hill some days...become too self centered at times... but then It's not in my fiber to be like that for long...I vent out, I complain and I move on...

 I am learning, learning to have a bigger heart...learning to accept things gracefully, learning to let go easily..to not focus on "I" all the time, rather on "us", it's like playing Hopscotch square, You hop from square to square tossing the stone without touching the boundaries and if you do so, you are out, you loose it...

Similarly At times you lose your patience while dealing with day to day issues and when you do so, you break down, but then you should not stop just there, you should try again, yearn for a better performance next time without losing your patience!!

That's me...honest me...and today -liberated me :)

Lost- Just like that!!

Today, I feel lost,  like an ordinary singleton draped in fabric of restlessness, dyed in the shade of deep pretence, woven with so many insecurities, stitched with anxiety…that’s my garb today …and the predicament is such that I cannot take this garb off me, because that will make me vulnerable , make me a subject of talk, bone of contention.

I feel like as if I am wearing a crown of drudgery, crown of sadness, of unseen fears which is making my head heavy and my judgement clouded…

 There is this palpable tenderness in my heart… It’s choked up with too many why’s …

And today I lack the mettle to counter these why’s??  I am tired, I am so lost !!

If I were Kalidas....

If I were kalidas, I would have written Ratridutaa instead of Meghaduta :), requesting the “Night messenger” to pass my messages to the sleep…and it would be something like this:

Oh, beloved night, you came to me riding the wings of an owl…. please pass my messages to my sleep… that roams away in the wilderness and waylays and has sought solace in being away from me!!

I miss you dearly… I am waiting for you with so many dreams in my eyes, dreams of love, and dreams of hope!!

That I am wide awake from such a long time waiting for you to shower the drops of hypnosis, so that it washes away my tiredness…

Fill my eyes with your ever lasting memory,  I am waiting for that rare moment…one that I am aching for , pining for, for I cannot bear the separation anymore.

I have long forgotten your melody, and I try to make a new one every night, in hope that it may sound pleasing to you and may be you will be pulled towards me, I will play the "Chitra veena", and even sing the "Revati Raga", may be the melody will draw you closer to me...

 I will not hold you for long, I will put off the lamps once you come and I promise to let you go as soon as the sun comes out riding its chariot driven by 7 horses… !!

Oh, beloved night, for once,  please carry these messages secretly, with utmost care and pass them to my long lost sleep…

Restless like an ever flowing river!!

Lately I have been feeling as if my body is like an abandoned temple...as if I have left it and moved on...I don't pay any attention to it...I don't stop for a while...close my eyes, chant some prayers, I don't light up a lamp, or any incense to thank it!! I am so lost...so lost that sometimes I feel that my life is a selflessly flowing river...charting it's own course...bending when it's needed, bifurcating when required... overcoming every barrier... not stopping, not resting , just flowing day and night...!!


And because of not resting, I have been experiencing this sharp persistent pain in my legs!! As if they are trying to tell me something, trying to bring my attention to them...pleading for some rest, telling me that I am not being fair...crying out loud!! I think I have restless legs syndrome...Its not that I am gravitating towards this weirdly funny name but some of the symptoms are there...night pain, sleeplessness and all...treatment is relaxation, massage, sticking to a sleep schedule...well I am not sure whether I can do all this or not...why?? because I am like a river...not stopping, not resting , just flowing day and night...!!

Isn't it strange...you don't understand life completely, or even remotely, but you still love it, well I do...it's like being in a "havan" a ritual in which offerings are made into the holy fire while sacred chants are recited by the learned holy men...who tend to know more about life and it's complexities than you do, or they pretend to know...you don't understand a thing...the meaning of the chants...people tell you it's to be performed in a particular way because it is described so in the vedas.. when you ask why??, they have no answer to it...or they try to convince you by justifying certain  things...sometimes you take that ..and sometimes you don't...but you like it...the kindling of the sacred fire, it's warmth, you like the scent of the herbs, aroma emanating from the fire...you like the resonance, the echo of the sacred chants...it stirs something deep inside you...and you like being a part of it...you feel moved!!

that's life...

Sleepless

Me and my sleep…each night we chase each other, We play Hide-and-go-seek where in I am always the "it", closing my eyes and counting while the sleep hides away.

sometimes like the lovers passionately in love…while I try to serenade my sleep, singing the sweet nothings, though it teases me…pretends to comes close enough to kiss me on the eyes and then just a peck and its gone…

Sometimes like the enemies…while I lay a trap so that it falls and fills the deep cavity of my eyes… it flies away leaving me wide awake and then I curse it… I pray for summer solstice to stay forever, when the days are longest and the nights are shortest.

That's me- sleepless!!

Image source -Canva, free image edited in Canva.

Working space & a story

It has been a while since I have had my own little space for working, I really missed the comfort and feel of it, so yesterday sneaking a little time out of my busy schedule, I created one for me...

and I had a chance to take out an old Philips Radio gifted by my dad...I know its bit odd to keep a radio in this tech age where you get to listen to all your fav numbers by just one click but I am bit different, bit weird in my own way...I still love radio, My liking for it dates back to the yesteryear's when I was just a little girl...each night I would get scared by the thought of sleeping alone in my room...although in front of my parents I would pretend to be okay with it... but my dad knew...he knew that I was lying...that i was terrified....so one night my dad came up to me with a radio and told me that I should listen to it till I feel sleepy and that might help a little and it actually did!! I felt lot better !! that's the story behind this love for my radio...it reminds me of my dad..his caring, his being around...

Around here

Around here...

 I feel little woozy, ever since we returned from Jammu, Vihaan has become even more clingy...I guess he thinks that people disappear just like that...he had a lot of folks around in Jammu and the overnight change has left him bit confused...may be that's why he wants me to be around him all the time...may be he thinks that I too will disappear!! and this leaves me even more exhausted by the end of the day!!

**************

I seem to be losing my calm easily...I feel like a kite soaring higher in the unknown territories...and i fear!! I fear what if the thread is weak...what if wind blows me away..what if I get caught up in the branches of a tall tree...what if I fell to the ground...will I be able to fly again!! 

**************

Nights!! they are as usual...sleepless!! I would love if "Ratri" "The sleep goddess" would come and pay me a visit at night... I would hold her...hug her tight...if I knew how to...I would invoke, summon her through the hymns...I would offer her ghee laddu's, and lit a lamp in her honor every night!!

Around here

Vacation is over and we are back to work!! If you ask me, I do miss the time I spent in Jammu, yes I did, It was fun, I could pick up my camera and go out to click few shots, life was slow and relaxing, Vihaan had plenty to space and crawl around , he had lots of love around, he was happy and I had help around when I needed it!!

 I am little sad because I won't get to see the blue Admiral, the tiny blue Adonis, I won't see the blooming lily, daisy, and heather families...I won't get to hear the faint cries of Alpine chough perched on the mango tree nor will I hear the melodies of sunbird,hoopes, passerines and chickadees,...I won't see the first mango of the season on the mango tree...I won't smell the aromas of freshly ground spices...I will miss out on all this!!

and now when I am back here...feels like I have to start all over again...Vihaan is edgy all the time...he seems to feel cramped up in our small apartment...I guess he misses people around, his great granddad, grandpa and grandma ,and our domestic help !! he misses the cycle rides and spending time out in the sun and all this bothers me to the core, I wish to give him that sort of carefree life but for that I ll have to make few adjustments, that means Akash will have to live here alone if we ever think of moving to his home town which is not gonna be easy :(   Akash is my best buddy and it's not easy for me to live away from him...I will miss him a lot and then again it's about Vihaan as well...we have think about his future too...

I am caught up in all these things lately...constantly thinking about all this...I wish my mind was a free flowing stream, flowing in it's own melody...calmly !!   
I wish my mind was like a gold flake...ever lighter!! 

somewhere inside I know that while I am spending my days here in my apartment in mumbai, at the dawn , the birds in small groups will fly back home after spending the day out in the wild, the Alpine chough will come again and cry remembering someone, I know that the spices will be sifted, sorted and grounded again...their aroma will make someone sneeze, i know that flowers will bloom, deck the flower beds...they will attract the bees, the butterflies...the air will be heavy will floral scents...I know that small miracles will continue to happen whether I am there to witness them or not...I know that the street lamp will guard the lonely street every night...I know everything will take its usual course and I know I will imagine this every night while I will try to sleep...i know that I will go to the astral plane while I am sleeping to feel the grass under my bare feet, to feel the fragrance fill my senses, to hear all the melodies...    

 while I am away!!