I am altogether a different person by the night, and by that I do not mean that I turn into a vampire or a any other beastly character, nor do I turn into a super woman and leave my home to save the city from crime, I don't do any of that, I simply can't sleep, earlier it was by compulsion ,it was the need of the hour, as I had to feed Vihaan in between but now it is by choice or rather it has become a part of my life, it has conditioned my brain!!
It is not that simple as it seems to be, rather it is complicated..I am wide awake at night, staring the ceiling, trying to see beyond it...lying there with nothing on my mind...blank, just like a clean slate...roaming aimlessly all around in my apartment..gravitating towards the shadows, towards the darkness...standing in the window with a glass of water in my hands and trying to make sense of the things.
Summing up my day...marvelling at the beauty and innocence of my little boy, who sleeps peacefully as I see his chest rising up and down...I think what sort of mother I am...at times I loose my cool and i shout at him...and immediately I correct myself..calm myself down...somewhere curse myself for doing it...and I say sorry and kiss him...comfort him...and try to be patient enough to fulfill all his demands...he keeps running after me...inside kitchen, in the washroom and at times all this gets to my head...I try to do so many things at a time, and maybe that's my problem...boil milk..put clothes in the washing machine...clean the poop and somewhere i loose it all... but none of this is Vihaan's fault...he is just too innocent and oblivious of these things...to him I am everything and I have to come up to his expectations.
Looking at the face of Akash who nowadays snores!! yes he does...thinking about the our relationship...been together for almost 13 years now, we have grow together actually from teenagers to adults, been together since college days..then worked together and now raising a baby together...feels so good...fills me with pride.
I don't know how to strike a balance...how to divide my time so that no one feels neglected...I don't get enough time to call my parents, my in laws and my friend...Nobody complains about all that yet I still feel it...may be I am being too hard on myself, I really don't know...right now I am just going with the flow...speaking my mind honestly.
I think about all this...I watch both of them...Vihaan and Akash sleeping peacefully and I turn to the shadows one more time...I ask them to lull me to sleep, I ask the darkness to hug and comfort me and put me to sleep but it stares back at me with eyes that are lost, not knowing what to do...eyes that want to say something but words fall short!!
While rest of the world is sleeping and dreaming, I am clicking pictures and writing a post...may be it's crazy, maybe I am over analyzing, or maybe it's just fine!!